Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Wait

It's the day before my ultrasound and I can't help thinking about my lack of symptoms. A lot of people are already reporting food aversions and feeling queasy (or actually throwing up) and I will eat anything still and don't feel much. I'm worried about tomorrow.

SC came over tonight and helped pass the time. It was really fun, actually, because he signed up for an eharmony account and we went through and looked at a bunch of girls (I think I'm less picky than both the guys, haha !) and watched some TV.

Work was very busy today. I finally was able to get started on all the stuff I needed to get done by tomorrow .. I don't know if I'll make it !

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Sweet pea

Today the little baby growing inside of me turned six weeks ! Baby is now the size of a sweet pea and is growing at a faster pace, now. The heart should have started beating. I woke up to this update in my mailbox :

I also downloaded a bunch of pregnancy apps from the app store. I'm officially hooked ! I'm still trying to eat healthy, but I'm having my moments of guilty eating. I've been eating a lot (about every three hours and all the way up to bed time).

I poas today ! It was a relief to see that it was super dark.

On FT, a bunch of girls got their BFPs today. In fact, all the girls who did their beta today got a BFP ! That is just amazing and I'm so excited and happy for everyone. I hope we all have a very happy and healthy nine months.

I had a bunch of emails waiting for me at work this morning (thanks to yesterday) and needed to get my RNs out today. Thankfully, it wasn't that painful, though we did end up doing a lot of last minute drafts.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Raid Night

Today I was made one of the October DDC guides on TMP .. I'm so excited ! We're getting more and more girls and I really like the other guide and I hope we can fill the DDC up with more people and get the ball rolling. :) Friday is my first ultrasound and the worry never ends. I have been pretty relaxed up to this point, but now that Friday is looming closer and closer, it's becoming more and more real. What if I don't see anything on the ultrasound ? I've read too many stories and they've scared me. Why do I do this to myself ?

It was raid night tonight and we got another hard mode down (oh yeah). It seemed a lot easier than before, but I think we all kind of thought about it for the past week and knew our roles better. It was exciting and reminded me why I loved the game. I've been in a funk since December so maybe my love for it is slowly coming back.

Work was crazy today. I got in and J told me to post the docs to the server and to send out the ready notice to all the PLMs. That means I'm going to get all the responses as well ! I have so much stuff on my plate already. :(

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Superbowl Sunday

We woke up early and I started cleaning (lightly). Then we met up with my mom and grandmother for lunch at this really good Chinese restaurant near us and the fish is -so- good there. I probably ate more than I should have (at one point, Chris was like, are you supposed to be eating so much fish ? What about the mercury ?) but I couldn't stop myself.

It's weird that I still don't feel much different. I've been pretty bloated for a while now and I still have cramps (and sometimes I think the ladies are growing), but for the most part I feel like I always have. Only five more days until we see the pumpkin seed for the first time ! I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

We saw something crazy on the way home. We were driving along when I said, "Do you smell gas ?". I have a really bad sense of smell so it alarmed me that I could smell it. I was afraid it was coming from our car because we just realized that someone had rear ended Chris's car and took off (his bumper is misaligned on the passenger side :(). Chris looked around and saw that there was a huge puddle of gas, then looked at the car in the lane to our left .. it was leaking gas at a very fast pace (and driving ahead of us). S/he must have trailed a line of gas for a long time, and I really hope no one flicks a cigarette somewhere into that line because then it would be a wall of fire !

The house is clean now (we even got rid of the like 30 pairs of shoes outside our front door, thanks Chris !) and we're just waiting for Mom to come. I asked that she come a little bit early but she said she still had some stuff to do. I'm anxious. I don't even know how I would work it into the conversation ! My current plan is to ask if she wanted to see what I was working on yesterday and just to hand the card to her. I'm not sure if the card is obvious enough (even though Chris said she'll see the stork before anything else and understand).

I did get to poas today since we're going to reveal it to my mom. :D It was a CB digital and it didn't take long for it to come up at all. I also have the photos and stamps ready to go. Now just the wait !

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Arts and Crafts

Today I went to Paper Source because I wanted to start making my pregnancy announcements. It turns out that this project was more complicated than I thought, because then I had to think about what the title of every member of my immediate family was to my child. I couldn't figure out my uncle's branch so I sneakily asked my mom, who said she didn't know, and told me to ask my grandmother. My grandmother did answer it for me, tee hee hee.

While I was working on the cards, Chris went to watch Underworld with our friend V, and my mom had called to ask a few iTunes questions and said she'd come over to watch the Superbowl tomorrow (score !). I told Chris that I wanted to tell her tomorrow and he said okay. Woo hoo ! I'm really excited. This has been our little secret for a while, and we won't be telling my grandmother until next Sunday, but I wonder what my mom's reaction will be.

She's not exactly what I would call the sentimental type so I'm not expecting tears or anything. It'll be fun to see ! I told Chris that we should record her reaction, so that's what we're planning to do. This is the finished product :

The boards have been really exciting too because more and more girls are getting their BFPs. I think we're going to have a record month ! Some of those girls really crack me up. One that lives close, Y, got her BFP and I think we're going to meet up for lunch. :D

Friday, February 3, 2012

Foot, Meet Mouth

Eek, I did a really bad thing tonight. One of the girls asked about laparoscopy, and without reading the rest of her post, I posted the following:

I really don't want to freak you out, but my lap experience was horrible. It is the worst thing I have done to date. I went into it thinking that it would just be minor surgery since the incisions were so small, and I was so scared about the HSG and that turned out a joke (for me .. I've heard horror stories from other people, which is why I was so scared to begin with and I hadn't heard horror stories from laps). The reason the lap was so painful was because they shove a breathing tube down your throat and because they fill you up with gas. It wasn't so much the incisions themselves, but the gas makes it feel like there's a ton of pressure on your shoulders and I was in so much pain (it also felt like I had broken ribs because it hurt to breathe). The breathing tube completely dried out my throat and stretched that magic hanging ball at the back of my throat (no idea what the technical term for that thing is) and I couldn't talk because my throat hurt so badly (sore throat x 1000). It took me about three days to even talk somewhat normally, but I could only speak in short bursts because I couldn't draw breath. It took me ten days to walk normally again. I showered on the third day, but I nearly passed out in the shower and my husband had to come in and carried me out. We had to change the incision bandages every day and that wasn't so bad (my husband changed it for the most part), but the whole experience made me want to cry because I was in so much pain, and emotionally it took a huge toll on me. I had no symptoms or reasons to do the lap whatsoever, but after 1.25 years of trying to conceive and nothing, my RE was at a loss and recommended it before IVF in January. I had my operation August 9th (that day will be forever ingrained in my head) and my first day back at work (where I could actually stay a whole day at work) was August 22nd. In the end, my RE found four tiny spots of endo, which she told me didn't explain why we weren't conceiving. I should probably have said this in the beginning, but everyone's experience is different, and I have heard of girls who could just get up and walk around a few days after. That just wasn't my experience. Afterward, I told my RE that I regretted it completely and wished I had never agreed to it (not to mention my insurance only paid 90% and I was stuck with a $1500 bill). It was also the reason I nearly left my RE. I know this all sounds scary and I really don't want to scare you, but for me, my cycles were always regular, never painful, nothing unusual, and in the end, I felt like it was for nothing. They do say that smaller people have a harder time with a lap than bigger people. In any case, I think if you go into anything expecting the worse, it will always be better than you think. I went into this thinking it wouldn't be that bad and had a very traumatic experience. Oh, and everyone who has seen my scar says it healed very nicely. If this is it healing nicely, I don't want to know what it not healing nicely looks like. It is really ugly and every time I look at it, I just feel incredibly sad. Also, IVF is used to bypass endo in many cases, so I just feel like it was a waste.

It wasn't until I had posted it (and I saw her online) that I went back to reread her post to make sure I hadn't missed anything and saw that she said specifically that she didn't want any horror stories because ignorance is bliss. I felt terrible ! I took it down immediately and sent her a PM. She responded the next day (whew) and said she hadn't read it. She had just gotten a BFN too so my timing was particularly bad. =/

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I almost blacked out tonight ! I was hanging out with my grandmother and cooking with her (frying shrimp) and I started to feel really lightheaded. I thought, okay Emily, suck it up. Just suck it up ! Don't pass out. So I continued to move the shrimp around and took them out when they were ready. We had nine more to go and my grandmother said she'll let me take care of it while she prepares something else. I told her I had to get something to drink first and went to the coffee table and drank some Gatorade.

I went back to the stove and we put the nine new shrimp in the skillet and my grandmother went to do something else. I was working on my breathing and telling myself just to finish these nine and then I could go sit down, but things started to get blurry and I started to pace around just to get some air into my lungs. The shrimp seemed to take forever to cook. At one point, I went over to the sink and I crossed my arms and put my head down and tried to feel better. I looked at my mom, who was sitting on the couch, to see if I could beckon her to come help me, but she was playing on her iPad.

I went back to the shrimp and I said, "I think it's ready." and my grandmother said, "Okay, I'll be right over." I scooped the shrimp out and said, "I think I'm going to pass out."

I went over to the couch and all I could see was spots. I sat down, and then laid down on the couch. My grandmother and mom were like, what's wrong with you ! I blamed it on the ventilation and I just laid there until the spots went away, and then we ate.

I felt like my mom was a little bit suspicious (probably just in my mind) because during dinner, she asked again what was wrong with me, and I told her that I hadn't eaten since 11 AM - 11:30 AM. It wasn't entirely the truth. :( I had been eating every three hours or so. I didn't want her to suspect anything so I told her that I had my period and she nodded her head in understanding and said, "Ah yeah, that can cause you to be lightheaded.".

We were watching TV when suddenly, my grandmother just started cracking up. My mom asked what she was laughing at and my grandmother said, "I just thought about Emily passing out over frying some shrimp !" HAHA. If anyone wondered where I got my twisted sense of humor from, I think there's the answer.

It was also so cold there (I'm the only one who was cold, apparently .. I'm always cold) and I was shivering the whole time I was there. So when it was time to go, I got in the car and cranked up the heat and started driving home. I started thinking about telling them the good news in ten days and I just started crying. I was still crying when I got home and Chris took one look at me and said, "What happened !".

I jumped in the shower since I was so cold and the hot water felt so good. It wasn't until I was almost ready to step out that I realized .. I already showered today ! Since I didn't shower last night (it was too late after raid), I woke up and showered first thing this morning. Two showers in one day. Wow. That's like some record or something for me !

I made a small confession to Chris. This morning, I had peed in my Dixie cup as usual to dip my pee sticks in. I took the cup afterward to dump it in the toilet and instead .. I dumped it in the trash can. I don't know what's up with me ! I've been doing really odd things lately where I think one thing and do another. I stared at the trash can for a while, then shrugged and threw the cup in. Chris said, "Emily!" and shook his head. He looked inside the trash can and said, "Well, there's not much pee in there and it doesn't smell." Then he went to heat up my heat pad. :D

I should also mention that as of today, my toothbrush is mold free ! We use those electric toothbrushes (I think the ones we're using right now are Oral-Bs) and they're wonderful because they seem to work well (no cavities since I started using one) but awful because they gather gunk at the base and inside the toothbrush and it's so gross. There have been times where I've made myself gag just smelling my toothbrush (but I'm usually too lazy to replace the head). For a while now, gunk has been building up at the base and it is visually so revolting that I consciously try not to put the toothbrush deep inside my mouth.

Well yesterday, Chris saw it (or maybe he had already seen it but he finally hit his maximum disgust) and used boiling hot water and cleaned it for me, yay !!! So this morning when I went to brush my teeth, I saw my sparkling clean toothbrush and felt happy. <3


Today, our little one is the size of an appleseed, about .13 inches long.

We are exactly five weeks along. So this morning, I peed on my last FRER (cries!) and my last Wondfo. Well .. I can't promise it's the last one, I guess :p, but I'm really going to try to pull back from my poas addiction. The lines are so dark now that they will probably continue to look the same. This was the email I received from TheBump today (appleseed pic is also from that email):

It's a very quiet day today and I'm not feeling as crazily hungry as I was yesterday. Last night at around 11:30, I ate pizza ! We had Thai Basil for company lunch and the papaya salad was especially good (the curry was so spicy today). I almost ran out of the house without my Endometrin since I'm going to go visit my grandmother today (I always feel so weird inserting it in her bathroom).

Things are good ! I'm feeling more bonded with the Oct DDC on TMP (there are still so few of us but it's still early) and I can't wait until we really start to get the ball rolling. Oh, and tomorrow we're going to pay off our IVF (yay !).

Life is good.