Eek, I did a really bad thing tonight. One of the girls asked about laparoscopy, and without reading the rest of her post, I posted the following:
I really don't want to freak you out, but my lap experience was horrible. It is the worst thing I have done to date. I went into it thinking that it would just be minor surgery since the incisions were so small, and I was so scared about the HSG and that turned out a joke (for me .. I've heard horror stories from other people, which is why I was so scared to begin with and I hadn't heard horror stories from laps). The reason the lap was so painful was because they shove a breathing tube down your throat and because they fill you up with gas. It wasn't so much the incisions themselves, but the gas makes it feel like there's a ton of pressure on your shoulders and I was in so much pain (it also felt like I had broken ribs because it hurt to breathe). The breathing tube completely dried out my throat and stretched that magic hanging ball at the back of my throat (no idea what the technical term for that thing is) and I couldn't talk because my throat hurt so badly (sore throat x 1000). It took me about three days to even talk somewhat normally, but I could only speak in short bursts because I couldn't draw breath. It took me ten days to walk normally again. I showered on the third day, but I nearly passed out in the shower and my husband had to come in and carried me out. We had to change the incision bandages every day and that wasn't so bad (my husband changed it for the most part), but the whole experience made me want to cry because I was in so much pain, and emotionally it took a huge toll on me. I had no symptoms or reasons to do the lap whatsoever, but after 1.25 years of trying to conceive and nothing, my RE was at a loss and recommended it before IVF in January. I had my operation August 9th (that day will be forever ingrained in my head) and my first day back at work (where I could actually stay a whole day at work) was August 22nd. In the end, my RE found four tiny spots of endo, which she told me didn't explain why we weren't conceiving. I should probably have said this in the beginning, but everyone's experience is different, and I have heard of girls who could just get up and walk around a few days after. That just wasn't my experience. Afterward, I told my RE that I regretted it completely and wished I had never agreed to it (not to mention my insurance only paid 90% and I was stuck with a $1500 bill). It was also the reason I nearly left my RE. I know this all sounds scary and I really don't want to scare you, but for me, my cycles were always regular, never painful, nothing unusual, and in the end, I felt like it was for nothing. They do say that smaller people have a harder time with a lap than bigger people. In any case, I think if you go into anything expecting the worse, it will always be better than you think. I went into this thinking it wouldn't be that bad and had a very traumatic experience. Oh, and everyone who has seen my scar says it healed very nicely. If this is it healing nicely, I don't want to know what it not healing nicely looks like. It is really ugly and every time I look at it, I just feel incredibly sad. Also, IVF is used to bypass endo in many cases, so I just feel like it was a waste.
It wasn't until I had posted it (and I saw her online) that I went back to reread her post to make sure I hadn't missed anything and saw that she said specifically that she didn't want any horror stories because ignorance is bliss. I felt terrible ! I took it down immediately and sent her a PM. She responded the next day (whew) and said she hadn't read it. She had just gotten a BFN too so my timing was particularly bad. =/
Friday, February 3, 2012
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Blackout
I almost blacked out tonight ! I was hanging out with my grandmother and cooking with her (frying shrimp) and I started to feel really lightheaded. I thought, okay Emily, suck it up. Just suck it up ! Don't pass out. So I continued to move the shrimp around and took them out when they were ready. We had nine more to go and my grandmother said she'll let me take care of it while she prepares something else. I told her I had to get something to drink first and went to the coffee table and drank some Gatorade.
I went back to the stove and we put the nine new shrimp in the skillet and my grandmother went to do something else. I was working on my breathing and telling myself just to finish these nine and then I could go sit down, but things started to get blurry and I started to pace around just to get some air into my lungs. The shrimp seemed to take forever to cook. At one point, I went over to the sink and I crossed my arms and put my head down and tried to feel better. I looked at my mom, who was sitting on the couch, to see if I could beckon her to come help me, but she was playing on her iPad.
I went back to the shrimp and I said, "I think it's ready." and my grandmother said, "Okay, I'll be right over." I scooped the shrimp out and said, "I think I'm going to pass out."
I went over to the couch and all I could see was spots. I sat down, and then laid down on the couch. My grandmother and mom were like, what's wrong with you ! I blamed it on the ventilation and I just laid there until the spots went away, and then we ate.
I felt like my mom was a little bit suspicious (probably just in my mind) because during dinner, she asked again what was wrong with me, and I told her that I hadn't eaten since 11 AM - 11:30 AM. It wasn't entirely the truth. :( I had been eating every three hours or so. I didn't want her to suspect anything so I told her that I had my period and she nodded her head in understanding and said, "Ah yeah, that can cause you to be lightheaded.".
We were watching TV when suddenly, my grandmother just started cracking up. My mom asked what she was laughing at and my grandmother said, "I just thought about Emily passing out over frying some shrimp !" HAHA. If anyone wondered where I got my twisted sense of humor from, I think there's the answer.
It was also so cold there (I'm the only one who was cold, apparently .. I'm always cold) and I was shivering the whole time I was there. So when it was time to go, I got in the car and cranked up the heat and started driving home. I started thinking about telling them the good news in ten days and I just started crying. I was still crying when I got home and Chris took one look at me and said, "What happened !".
I jumped in the shower since I was so cold and the hot water felt so good. It wasn't until I was almost ready to step out that I realized .. I already showered today ! Since I didn't shower last night (it was too late after raid), I woke up and showered first thing this morning. Two showers in one day. Wow. That's like some record or something for me !
I made a small confession to Chris. This morning, I had peed in my Dixie cup as usual to dip my pee sticks in. I took the cup afterward to dump it in the toilet and instead .. I dumped it in the trash can. I don't know what's up with me ! I've been doing really odd things lately where I think one thing and do another. I stared at the trash can for a while, then shrugged and threw the cup in. Chris said, "Emily!" and shook his head. He looked inside the trash can and said, "Well, there's not much pee in there and it doesn't smell." Then he went to heat up my heat pad. :D
I should also mention that as of today, my toothbrush is mold free ! We use those electric toothbrushes (I think the ones we're using right now are Oral-Bs) and they're wonderful because they seem to work well (no cavities since I started using one) but awful because they gather gunk at the base and inside the toothbrush and it's so gross. There have been times where I've made myself gag just smelling my toothbrush (but I'm usually too lazy to replace the head). For a while now, gunk has been building up at the base and it is visually so revolting that I consciously try not to put the toothbrush deep inside my mouth.
Well yesterday, Chris saw it (or maybe he had already seen it but he finally hit his maximum disgust) and used boiling hot water and cleaned it for me, yay !!! So this morning when I went to brush my teeth, I saw my sparkling clean toothbrush and felt happy. <3
I went back to the stove and we put the nine new shrimp in the skillet and my grandmother went to do something else. I was working on my breathing and telling myself just to finish these nine and then I could go sit down, but things started to get blurry and I started to pace around just to get some air into my lungs. The shrimp seemed to take forever to cook. At one point, I went over to the sink and I crossed my arms and put my head down and tried to feel better. I looked at my mom, who was sitting on the couch, to see if I could beckon her to come help me, but she was playing on her iPad.
I went back to the shrimp and I said, "I think it's ready." and my grandmother said, "Okay, I'll be right over." I scooped the shrimp out and said, "I think I'm going to pass out."
I went over to the couch and all I could see was spots. I sat down, and then laid down on the couch. My grandmother and mom were like, what's wrong with you ! I blamed it on the ventilation and I just laid there until the spots went away, and then we ate.
I felt like my mom was a little bit suspicious (probably just in my mind) because during dinner, she asked again what was wrong with me, and I told her that I hadn't eaten since 11 AM - 11:30 AM. It wasn't entirely the truth. :( I had been eating every three hours or so. I didn't want her to suspect anything so I told her that I had my period and she nodded her head in understanding and said, "Ah yeah, that can cause you to be lightheaded.".
We were watching TV when suddenly, my grandmother just started cracking up. My mom asked what she was laughing at and my grandmother said, "I just thought about Emily passing out over frying some shrimp !" HAHA. If anyone wondered where I got my twisted sense of humor from, I think there's the answer.
It was also so cold there (I'm the only one who was cold, apparently .. I'm always cold) and I was shivering the whole time I was there. So when it was time to go, I got in the car and cranked up the heat and started driving home. I started thinking about telling them the good news in ten days and I just started crying. I was still crying when I got home and Chris took one look at me and said, "What happened !".
I jumped in the shower since I was so cold and the hot water felt so good. It wasn't until I was almost ready to step out that I realized .. I already showered today ! Since I didn't shower last night (it was too late after raid), I woke up and showered first thing this morning. Two showers in one day. Wow. That's like some record or something for me !
I made a small confession to Chris. This morning, I had peed in my Dixie cup as usual to dip my pee sticks in. I took the cup afterward to dump it in the toilet and instead .. I dumped it in the trash can. I don't know what's up with me ! I've been doing really odd things lately where I think one thing and do another. I stared at the trash can for a while, then shrugged and threw the cup in. Chris said, "Emily!" and shook his head. He looked inside the trash can and said, "Well, there's not much pee in there and it doesn't smell." Then he went to heat up my heat pad. :D
I should also mention that as of today, my toothbrush is mold free ! We use those electric toothbrushes (I think the ones we're using right now are Oral-Bs) and they're wonderful because they seem to work well (no cavities since I started using one) but awful because they gather gunk at the base and inside the toothbrush and it's so gross. There have been times where I've made myself gag just smelling my toothbrush (but I'm usually too lazy to replace the head). For a while now, gunk has been building up at the base and it is visually so revolting that I consciously try not to put the toothbrush deep inside my mouth.
Well yesterday, Chris saw it (or maybe he had already seen it but he finally hit his maximum disgust) and used boiling hot water and cleaned it for me, yay !!! So this morning when I went to brush my teeth, I saw my sparkling clean toothbrush and felt happy. <3
Appleseed
Today, our little one is the size of an appleseed, about .13 inches long.
It's a very quiet day today and I'm not feeling as crazily hungry as I was yesterday. Last night at around 11:30, I ate pizza ! We had Thai Basil for company lunch and the papaya salad was especially good (the curry was so spicy today). I almost ran out of the house without my Endometrin since I'm going to go visit my grandmother today (I always feel so weird inserting it in her bathroom).
Things are good ! I'm feeling more bonded with the Oct DDC on TMP (there are still so few of us but it's still early) and I can't wait until we really start to get the ball rolling. Oh, and tomorrow we're going to pay off our IVF (yay !).
Life is good.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
The Magic Number (Delta Beta)
I was apprehensive last night going to bed because today was my last beta. But I passed out fairly easily (I don't remember tossing and turning at least) and woke up nice and early this morning. I grabbed my Gatorade and drank the whole thing (well the 3/4 left) on my way to the hospital, grabbed my blue slip upstairs and sat down. When I heard my name called by the ladies up in the front, I was annoyed. They asked me again if I wanted to have my P4 and E2 drawn. I figured I didn't need to, but since I didn't want to have to keep going over this (and because I was going to have to get stuck anyways, so why not), I said to do it.
Remember that lady who stuck me twice that one time ? She called me in and I saw her and got nervous. But she did a very good job this time and got it on the first try (maybe it was the Gatorade). She looked at me and told me that she remembered me and I thought, I remember you too, lady !
I was calculating yesterday that I needed to hit at least 660 today for it to be a normal rise. This is because on Saturday it was 220, and this is three days after (rather than two). So imagine my total shock (and relief ... and happiness) when Sabrina called and told me that my HCG was at 1308. Holy cow ! I don't know what's going in there, but I am ecstatic. Grow pumpkin, grow !
These have been my doubling times so far : 45.74, 36.76, 28.
I had to run some more unpleasant errands during the day (around two to three) and when I got back to the office, I felt really crampy and not well, and so I drank some water and relaxed a little. I started feeling really weird and ate an apple. I starving again, even though I had a whole bagel for breakfast, followed by Greek yogurt, followed by salad.
When I got home, Chris already had dinner made (did I mention I love that guy !) and I felt a lot better after I ate. After eating, I passed out for and hour and a half, and then woke up for raid. :p
I took this infertility registry questionnaire a while ago and they mailed me fifteen dollars cash. What is it with everyone mailing cash these days ? Not that I don't appreciate it, but sometimes I'll randomly open something that looks like junk mail and there'll be a dollar in it.
Oh ! When talking to Sabrina, she told me to schedule either my first ultrasound for next Friday (February 10th) or the Monday after that. Of course, I chose the 10th. :p I can't wait !
Today is the last day of January. Farewell, January. You have been so good to me. <3
Remember that lady who stuck me twice that one time ? She called me in and I saw her and got nervous. But she did a very good job this time and got it on the first try (maybe it was the Gatorade). She looked at me and told me that she remembered me and I thought, I remember you too, lady !
I was calculating yesterday that I needed to hit at least 660 today for it to be a normal rise. This is because on Saturday it was 220, and this is three days after (rather than two). So imagine my total shock (and relief ... and happiness) when Sabrina called and told me that my HCG was at 1308. Holy cow ! I don't know what's going in there, but I am ecstatic. Grow pumpkin, grow !
These have been my doubling times so far : 45.74, 36.76, 28.
I had to run some more unpleasant errands during the day (around two to three) and when I got back to the office, I felt really crampy and not well, and so I drank some water and relaxed a little. I started feeling really weird and ate an apple. I starving again, even though I had a whole bagel for breakfast, followed by Greek yogurt, followed by salad.
When I got home, Chris already had dinner made (did I mention I love that guy !) and I felt a lot better after I ate. After eating, I passed out for and hour and a half, and then woke up for raid. :p
I took this infertility registry questionnaire a while ago and they mailed me fifteen dollars cash. What is it with everyone mailing cash these days ? Not that I don't appreciate it, but sometimes I'll randomly open something that looks like junk mail and there'll be a dollar in it.
Oh ! When talking to Sabrina, she told me to schedule either my first ultrasound for next Friday (February 10th) or the Monday after that. Of course, I chose the 10th. :p I can't wait !
Today is the last day of January. Farewell, January. You have been so good to me. <3
Monday, January 30, 2012
Eco-Emi
Yesterday I received my January Eco-Emi box .. always an exciting occasion. :) Below is what I got (Sis, avert your eyes !).
My friend A also told me awesome news - both her and her husband got new jobs ! This is great news for many reasons, including the fact that they could do IVF sooner (that is, if I don't see her BFP this cycle). I was thinking today how strange it was that as soon as the new year hit that things seem to start going well for me (I'm so thankful .. last year was horrible!) and those I know. I am so grateful and happy about that.
With that said, it's a sad day for the forums. We had gotten the first negative and first angel. =/ I get the feeling like the mood is getting more and more sober as the cycle goes on. I think all the girls now have done their ER and we have a bunch of people in the 2ww .. never fun.
I have gotten close to these girls I've never met, and in some ways, I prefer their online friendship to friends in real life. We have shared a journey together .. a very personal journey, and we are all very different, but our short time together has made me consider them friends.
My friend A also told me awesome news - both her and her husband got new jobs ! This is great news for many reasons, including the fact that they could do IVF sooner (that is, if I don't see her BFP this cycle). I was thinking today how strange it was that as soon as the new year hit that things seem to start going well for me (I'm so thankful .. last year was horrible!) and those I know. I am so grateful and happy about that.
With that said, it's a sad day for the forums. We had gotten the first negative and first angel. =/ I get the feeling like the mood is getting more and more sober as the cycle goes on. I think all the girls now have done their ER and we have a bunch of people in the 2ww .. never fun.
I have gotten close to these girls I've never met, and in some ways, I prefer their online friendship to friends in real life. We have shared a journey together .. a very personal journey, and we are all very different, but our short time together has made me consider them friends.
Today is a great day.
Today didn't start off so great. I woke up, hauled my butt around to do some very unpleasant things and talked to some unpleasant people, and called my IVF nurse to ask what was going on with my Endometrin and whether or not I should still be taking my dexamethasone (still no response on that yet).
Then I went to work where it's scarily chill (the calm before the storm since this is our major crunch time) and hunkered my butt down to do my normal daily activities. So, you may ask, why is today a great day ?
Well, I can't say. But it really is.
Then I went to work where it's scarily chill (the calm before the storm since this is our major crunch time) and hunkered my butt down to do my normal daily activities. So, you may ask, why is today a great day ?
Well, I can't say. But it really is.
Cheri 22
For those of you who frequent ttc forums, you've probably heard of Cheri 22. She's supposedly a baby psychic, and I went a little crazy with her a while ago. I'm not sure how much I believe in psychic stuff, but I got one free and one paid reading from her a while ago. I was trying to see if she would give me two completely different months.
This was my free reading from Cheri:
They show you guys with a BOY and they relate him to OCTOBER so this is either birth month, the month conceived, or the month you find out in.
This was my paid reading from Cheri:
They show you guys having a BOY and they relate him to December so this is either birth month, the month conceived, or the month you find out in.
When it comes to your son, they show him as someone who is a bit more on the quiet side and tends to remain close to you and your husband. I don't really get the sense that he is shy, but is not really the type to go bounding off to play with the kids. Kinda more relaxed and a bit more hesitant at first, figuring out what the kids are playing and which one he might like to play with. Hes more matter of fact when he talks. Someone who seems to be able to express his ideas in a way that is more logical. Always making a good impression on the people that he interacts with. Always impressed with his ability to understand things that are more mature than his years.
You will find him to always be the type that will be willing to take the leap of faith and do things that the other kids are freaked out about trying. Hes got guts and is someone who tends to not shy away from the more difficult tasks. You can pretty much 'assign" him anything and hes going to try his best to succeed at it, and often being more than what people expect.
Hes good with sports, but they show him preferring to play things that are more individual sports or something you can play against one other person. hes not really big on playing sports (teams) but does love to watch football.
When it comes to career paths, they show him linked to working in the medical field (seems to be like a Dr. profession) but they show him linked to working for the government/military on more top secret type work.
When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 25. They will have two boys and one girl of their own.
***
I thought she was crazy (still do, really), but it's kind of creepy how our cycle started in December (true, it wasn't the month of conception though) and we're not expecting a pumpkin. I hate to say it but the main reason I think she's a bit of a loony is because she can't spell or write very well (I already corrected a lot of spelling and grammatical mistakes but gave up). Plus, she can say any month and cover 1/4 of a year (she could always say she was just off by a month). It was fun to do, though, and gave me something new to obsess over while I was TTC.
Have you done a Cheri 22 reading ? What did yours say ?
Today, I was thinking about my magical pee. My pee makes two lines appear on a stick that would never show lines for me. It makes me want to pee on everything. It was the first day the FRER test line was darker than the control line. (The Wondo is actually tomorrow's).
We went to see The Descendants today. I don't know if I really liked the movie. It wasn't bad, per se, but it was slow, and I don't like slow movies (I'm too impatient !). Still, it was fun to get out of the house and do stuff with Chris, and we went to Costco twice today. Oh yes, twice. We bought 10 two packs of AMC movie tickets since they were on sale, and they gave us 11 packs, score ! The movie was on Costco today.
This was my free reading from Cheri:
They show you guys with a BOY and they relate him to OCTOBER so this is either birth month, the month conceived, or the month you find out in.
This was my paid reading from Cheri:
They show you guys having a BOY and they relate him to December so this is either birth month, the month conceived, or the month you find out in.
When it comes to your son, they show him as someone who is a bit more on the quiet side and tends to remain close to you and your husband. I don't really get the sense that he is shy, but is not really the type to go bounding off to play with the kids. Kinda more relaxed and a bit more hesitant at first, figuring out what the kids are playing and which one he might like to play with. Hes more matter of fact when he talks. Someone who seems to be able to express his ideas in a way that is more logical. Always making a good impression on the people that he interacts with. Always impressed with his ability to understand things that are more mature than his years.
You will find him to always be the type that will be willing to take the leap of faith and do things that the other kids are freaked out about trying. Hes got guts and is someone who tends to not shy away from the more difficult tasks. You can pretty much 'assign" him anything and hes going to try his best to succeed at it, and often being more than what people expect.
Hes good with sports, but they show him preferring to play things that are more individual sports or something you can play against one other person. hes not really big on playing sports (teams) but does love to watch football.
When it comes to career paths, they show him linked to working in the medical field (seems to be like a Dr. profession) but they show him linked to working for the government/military on more top secret type work.
When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 25. They will have two boys and one girl of their own.
***
I thought she was crazy (still do, really), but it's kind of creepy how our cycle started in December (true, it wasn't the month of conception though) and we're not expecting a pumpkin. I hate to say it but the main reason I think she's a bit of a loony is because she can't spell or write very well (I already corrected a lot of spelling and grammatical mistakes but gave up). Plus, she can say any month and cover 1/4 of a year (she could always say she was just off by a month). It was fun to do, though, and gave me something new to obsess over while I was TTC.
Have you done a Cheri 22 reading ? What did yours say ?
Today, I was thinking about my magical pee. My pee makes two lines appear on a stick that would never show lines for me. It makes me want to pee on everything. It was the first day the FRER test line was darker than the control line. (The Wondo is actually tomorrow's).
We went to see The Descendants today. I don't know if I really liked the movie. It wasn't bad, per se, but it was slow, and I don't like slow movies (I'm too impatient !). Still, it was fun to get out of the house and do stuff with Chris, and we went to Costco twice today. Oh yes, twice. We bought 10 two packs of AMC movie tickets since they were on sale, and they gave us 11 packs, score ! The movie was on Costco today.
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