I should have added this as my first post but I figured better late than never ! This is my very brief introduction to me.
I wasn't one of those girls who grew up nurturing their baby dolls and
who dreamed of becoming a mother one day. In fact, I distinctly remember
ripping the heads out of my Barbie dolls (eek, what does that say about
It wasn't something that I consciously didn't want but rather that I
never gave it much thought, so you could imagine my surprise one day
when I was 27 when out of the blue, BAM, it hit me. I wanted a child.
I had been dating my boyfriend (now husband) for some time at that
point, and one night, I smoothly brought it up to him. It went something
Him: What do you think we should watch tonight.. House?
Me: I want a baby!
... yeah. Once it was out there, I started laughing, because I could not
think of any other reaction, and then I peered at him, and to my
relief, he looked rather pleased (though he wasn't ready yet at the time).
We were married in 2010 when I was 29 and I thought for sure that I
would have a child by the time I was 30 (pregnant at least). I remember
being crushed the first month. What I didn't realize was that it was the
beginning of a long string of disappointments. Month after month
passed, and as much as I tried not to get my hopes up, every month I was
convinced that that would be THE month, and this usually resulted in me
curled up in bed crying for days at a time. We didn't know what was
wrong. His SA had come back perfectly normal. I have always had very
We went to an RE in early 2010 and she was confident that she could get
us pregnant in no time (towards the end of the year, she confessed that
she thought we would be a very easy case when she met us). We decided to
try Clomid, but that thinned out my lining. We did Follistim for a few
cycles. I responded well every time. All of these we did with IUI, and month after month came back
negative and I sunk even further into despair. Not only was I rapidly
losing hope, but we were also spending so much money on these treatments
that I was swimming in bills. Plus, DH was extremely worried about my
When I look back on my first six months of TTC, I think about all the
hope I had then, and how it has faltered. I still remember the one year
mark of us TTC and how I laid in bed thinking about how I'm such a
failure. It is now 18 months since that time and some days I wonder if
this is the universe's way of saying that it just isn't meant to be.
My RE could not find out what was wrong. I have had a lap, HSG, had a
bunch of tests ran, and it all came back negative. Halfway through 2010,
my husband and I decided that we may have to do IVF.
This terrified and excited me, because I always saw IVF as the thing we
would do if everything else failed. By doing IVF, that would mean that
everything else had failed. What if IVF failed as well? That was always
my end all solution. If it didn't work, where would that leave me? I
don't have an answer to that question, and it's still something that
weighs on my mind all the time.
IVF shocked me with all the questions. ICSI? We said no, and my RE
looked surprised, and she even said, "Can I ask why not?" That made me
second guess myself (to this day I'm still wondering about it). I had
always thought that ICSI was for people with low sperm count, and my
husband has never had an issue in that department so I was surprised she
brought it up multiple times. I think it's because she doesn't want me
to have a cycle with no fertilized eggs. We said no to assisted hatching
as well. We said we wanted to put back in 2 embies if we could (prefer
blastocysts). When we were looking at IVF clinics, this one clinic said
that they would only let me transfer back one blastocyst and that was
the main reason we did not choose that clinic.
We began to save up for IVF and I took the last quarter of 2010 to do no
fertility treatments. I secretly hoped that I would be one of those
people who would "oops" get pregnant when I was planning for IVF, but
that didn't happen. When December rolled around, I felt surprisingly
numb to the whole thing. I think it was because I had looked forward to
this moment for so long that I don't even know what to do with it now
that I am actually here.
I wish I had more of a support group in real life, but most of my
friends are male, and the one girl friend I'm close to has no
idea how to relate to me. She knows of all the heartache we have been through and how badly we want this. She would constantly ask me in front of other
people if I'm pregnant yet (thanks a lot! In fact she made me cry once when she asked me in front of all her relatives at her son's birthday party), and when I mentioned IVF,
the first thing she said was, "If that fails, are you going to ask your
sister for her eggs?" ... So.. I don't talk to her about anything TTC
related anymore. She has a beautiful three year old boy and I know she's
going to start TTC again in January, and I know it would kill me a bit
inside if it just happened quickly for her. I even said as much over
lunch one day, that I hope that she never has any difficulty conceiving
because it has been a nightmare for me and she said, "I hope not either.
That would be awful."
Wow thanks, you ******* ***** !