Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Caught up !

Whew, I think that's most of the information. There are so many things I've left out (for example, doing a hurried injection at my mom's friend's house) but I'm sure I'll add things as I remember them. :) Today is 2dp5dt and now that most of the excitement from anticipating appointment after appointment is over, in settles the fear. I would like to say that I've remained as relaxed as I have been for most of this, but I've been having awful panic attacks lately. I still remember the first time when I had a panic attack. Since then, I think they have gotten slightly worse. Throughout our TTC journey I've had panic attacks. In the beginning, we thought, oh weird, it didn't happen the first month. Then a second month came and went. Then a third. I started to despair and I fell into bad depression (so bad that I eventually started seeing a therapist and Chris was so worried about me). There would be days at a time when I would just lay in bed and cry. I felt so betrayed by my body. I felt like such a failure.

I think it's because I would often lay in bed that I now associate laying in bed with panic attacks. My chest tightens and I feel unable to draw a breath. I start to panic because I'm convinced that there's not enough air and no matter how I try to calm myself, nothing does the trick. If you ever have a panic attack, don't try to breathe in slowly and out .. it doesn't work, In fact, I think it makes it worse because trying to slowly draw air in makes me feel like I'm suffocating even more.

Have you heard of a yoga breath? It's where you use your lungs to draw a breath instead of your diaphragm. It really helps! I try to also recite things to myself now. For example, I tell myself that things aren't in my hands and that I have no control over what happens. Does it work? Sometimes. I've been having panic attacks at the worst times lately (and often when nothing is happening). I'll just be sitting at work when I feel one coming on, or chatting with my grandmother. It's the worst when I'm talking because then my words come out in short bursts and I'm struggling to breathe.

My RE did prescribe me Xanax for a short while but you know how much I dislike taking medication. :( I did take it for a few days but felt no difference. It was a very very low dose, though, since you're technically not supposed to take those types of meds while TTC.

I still don't have a solution to them and it's worrying me because I hope it won't fear with implantation. I read somewhere that you want your body to be in its most comfortable state and I imagine that since my breathing is so erratic that my blood is pumping erratically. Sometimes I wonder if I have a heart murmur or if my heart beats unevenly. I should really ask my doctor one of these days.

That brings me to my big fear: implantation. Since everything else has (shockingly but appreciatively) been fine up to this point, could implantation be our problem? I'm currently on a medication that helps with implantation (dexa). I also drank pineapple core yesterday and the day before (acupuncturist said to only drink it those two days). Aside from that, I don't think there's much I could do. =/ I did also read today that once you transfer it back into your body that there's nothing you can do to change the outcome. If it's a genetically healthy embryo, it will implant. Is that true ? I hope so !

I don't think my clinic does betas like most clinics do. They told me to take an HPT two weeks from the day of my ER, which would be next Wednesday, January 25th. However, I don't think I can wait that long ! I plan on testing Monday, January 23rd (coincidentally, it's also Chinese New Year - Dragon). I'm hoping that with both new years over with that this year will be very special and better than the last. I do have to say that this year so far has been very good to us, though.

Speaking of Chinese New Year, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant with my mom and grandmother a few weeks ago when I read that monkeys (I'm a monkey) are best suited with dragons and rats and worst suited with tigers. Chris is a rat (probably the only time I can say it and have it be a positive thing) and I can't say enough good things about him. I can't fathom how he puts up with me, but I'm glad he does ! So it's true that we are a very good pair. My sister is a tiger, and I'm not sure that I would say that we are unsuited because I consider us extremely close and I don't know what I would do or where I'd be without her. It's true that we are very different and there are lots of opportunities where we could potentially argue so I guess I could see how we could be unsuited. I'm glad we don't fight, though ! And it makes me think that if we have a LO this year, s/he/they (O.o) would be (a) dragon(s). How perfect would that be ? <3

I wanted to end this post by saying how thankful I am of the things I do have. Although this has been a very long and difficult road for us, it doesn't mean that I don't realize all the things I do have. I am thankful every day of the continued good health of those I love. I am grateful for my very close knit and loving family. I have a dream position with a company I hope I can stay at forever and working with people who could not be better coworkers (and my boss is amazing). I feel fortunate that we are financially able to pay for all we need to (including IVF). I am very lucky to have a supportive husband and great friends (my long time friends and new friends like my friend A from Miami who is unbelievable, the wonderful ladies of TMP, and the ladies of the January Cycle Buddy Group on Fertile Thoughts who have kept me sane). It's really these things that has gotten me through every day.

No comments:

Post a Comment